Assembly Required

Since we all came into this world with all our parts assembled, I think all the things we acquire and use should arrive the same way.
Any package that says "Assembly Required" is just forecasting potential dangers. It should also say "Could Try Your Patience". Or warn "This product Could Produce Rampant Cursing". It might even state "This Product Stands A Better Chance Of Being Destroyed In A Fit Of Rage Than Being Assembled Properly."
Now SOME assembly required isn't too trying. If I buy a new flash light and it says assembly required (which it won't) I'd have no fear. If I buy a VCR or a new DVD player, I'll be good to go in no time. If the assembly means plugging stuff in, I'm okay. I'm quite adept at plugging the orange thing into the other orange thing and the white thing into the other white thing - or at least plugging stuff in until the machine works. But, if it requires hardware, any kinds of tools, washers, screws and directions, I'm not too enthusiastic.
When people notice that I type with all my fingers rather than the one-digit style of other reporters, I state that I have magic in all five fingers. But like Kryptonite is to Superman, handiwork is the biggest threat to my skills.
I was putting together a small portable grill I purchased the other day. Now how hard can it be to assemble a $6 grill? I didn't think it would take too long. And, it didn't, but it reminded me how much I hate having to put things together. I saw a rocking chair in a store the other day and the price was $10 more if it had to be assembled by the store. I couldn't help but think I'd want more than $10 if I had to assemble it.
Granted, I'm not blessed with a whole lot of patience. Actually, it might be determined that I was born with absolutely no patience. So when I buy something, I want to be able to take it out of the box and flip the switch and turn on whater thingamajig makes the thing go.
I get aggravated when I have to take the protective tape off a new CD. With all the CD's I've bought (between 400-500) you'd think I'd be able to tear that security tape off in an instant.
When I have to put something together, I'm inviting all kinds of misfortune. It might test my handiwork skills, but it almost assuredly will test my patience. I could lose a integral piece of the product just taking the gizmo and its guts out of the box. I could lose that crucial part somewhere during construction. I could get completely baffled by the directions that often look like a five-year old drew them. I could put the thing together backwards and have to start all over again. I could lose my patience along the way. I could get frustrated, watch by blood pressure rise and blurt out profanities as I try to keep from exploding. When that fails and I do pop a gasket, I may just destroy the product in a fit of rage - cursing its very existance in the process.
The only time I'd ever hear my father curse was when he'd be putting something together and it wouldn't go just right. Fortunately, he was never around when I've had those moments. I'm kind of like a Yosemite Sam version of Ralphie in "A Christmas Story". When Ralpie drops a nut while helping his father change a tire, he drops an F-Bomb that earns him the soap-in-mouth treatment. After dropping that one nut, I'd have likely hurled the others at the car and let loose a series of "Frickin, Frackin, @$%&%$ @#$%$&!!!!!
Fortunately, the grill didn't tempt that kind of fate. Good thing too. At $6, I wouldn't have been too afraid to hurl it into the ocean. I got most of the pieces together inside and began putting it together. I saw no pieces for the legs that the grill rests on. The box was empty. I was already envisioning having to take the @$%#% thing back to the store. I double-checked outside and there they were, where I first opened the box. I tried to make sense of the directions but they used a different kind of English than I'm used to. The handle had its own proper name. I can't recall it because I tossed the directions already. But couldn't it just say "Handle"? It was almost easier to go by the photo on the box than the instructions provided. At least then I would know that it looks like it is supposed to.
It actually didn't take me too long to complete the assembly. I had it all together, looking just like it does on the box. There were no missing pieces. There were no leftover pieces. Nothing was put in wrong or backwards. Nothing got broken. I didn't even utter a naughty word - even though I may have thought of one or two. I put the grill away and tossed out the box and directions. Nothing broken and my mouth didn't taste like soap. Assembly complete.
Let's just hope that when a renter goes to use it this summer, it doesn't fall apart, prompting them to question "What idiot put this together?"