One Nation Under Squig

Occasionally I’d flip over to the Olympic coverage last Friday night and flip away in disgust.

I’m sure you all were equally disappointed. With each passing country that was showcased in the pageantry of the opening ceremonies in Beijing, there was no sign of SquigNation.

No, apparently SquigNation is not Olympic worthy as far as the Greek Gods of the Olympic Committee are concerned.

But, if teeny weeny countries, ones in which Bob Costas has to explain where they are located geographically, are included, why not SquigNation?

Being a one-person province, it’s not like I’d take up much space. They could have snuck me in between Togo and Antarctica. I could have just strolled along, certainly better dressed than in the ensemble the US team apparently purchased at Preppies R’ Us. I might not have worn anything exotic like some of the other countries, maybe just some orange oilskins and some L.L. Bean boots and one of those Gorton fishermen hats. I’d just try to blend in. Or I might dress like the Dali Lama and see if I could push a few buttons.

But, no, SquigNation was not invited. President Jugears was so appalled that he was holding up the American flag backwards in protest to the injustice of it all. Not sure if it was a case of Ass Backwards or Backwards Ass. Thanks, W, but you’re support is the last thing I need. And, a cry for justice from you rings a bit hollow.

Now, I’m not exactly the world’s biggest fan of the Olympics. I used to love them as a kid. I also liked crayons and playing with plastic army men. I’ve grown out of all of that. Same goes for the Olympics.

It has become an exaggerated American Idol or Dancing with the Stars. All the bandwagon jumpers that haven’t paid attention to swimming, gymnastics, skiing or any other Olympic sport are now leaping aboard. It’s just like the night of the Super Bowl where people come out of the woodwork because it’s another society created festivity to feed a bored culture. It’s hardly about football anymore.

Now the Olympics are the same thing. They're about mindless hype and promotion. They’ve been teasing to the games for so long, I was tired of them before the torch was lit. They’ve taken over the airways to the extent that almost nothing else matters in the world. At least NBC pulled its coverage off the main network so it could air some soap operas. Wouldn’t want to take all the get-a-lifers away from what's truly important.

People are riveted by little Susie Olympian or big Bobbie Olympian, from some smalltown USA. If the networks are lucky they’ll find an athlete with a deformity, a tragedy to overcome or an ill family member to make their story extra gripping. People who couldn't give a hoot about sports will be glued to the TV, hoping to watch the USA kick the ass of every other nation and feed our need to feel superior. Our Dictator in Chief will fan the flame by attending the Olympics and hope the spirit of the games make people forget how hard times are and why he should be put in rings and left in a Chinese prison.

The national pride generated by something like the 1980 Olympic hockey team doesn’t exist anymore. It’s all about who can win the most medals and who can cash in the most from their Olympic success. For some, the Olympics are about the experience and the opportunity to compete on a grand stage, but for most, it’s about money, ratings, celebrity and feeding a pop culture that mindlessly eats this stuff up. I have to admit that I even get caught up and watch the drivel sometimes. I did actually flip back and forth briefly to the opening ceremonies and have checked in on occasion this week. I might even watch some of the events that include some locals that I have done stories on this week. And, I hate myself for doing so.

But, for the most part, the Olympics will go on without SquigNation. It’s too bad. I would make an excellent competitor. I could row circles around the competition in my Sea Goomer. I’d be a one-man wrecking crew in water polo, if my horse could swim - and if I had a horse. I’m definitely in weightlifing shape - able to lift 12 ounces and even some of the heftier sizes on occasion. I’d be a natural in the shooting competition. They don’t call me “Shooter” for nothing. I’d dominate in the sailing competition - because my boat would be armed with a cannon. I’d dazzle fans with a floor exercise to Social Distortion’s “Mommie’s Little Monster”.

That’s probably why SquigNation wasn’t invited. The last thing the Olympics needs is a little character, fun, spontaneity and edginess. It’s now about the pomp and circumstance and spoon feeding the masses of the reality TV generation.

Now that I think of it, I’m glad I wasn’t invited. I wouldn’t want to lower myself to such a display. SquigNation has its standards.